Emma is one of our incredible senior LEAP volunteers. LEAP is a programme ran by the Good Shepherd where people with experience of homelessness, mental health, addiction or other issues are able to provide help and support to service users accessing the charity, whilst also pursuing their own training and employment opportunities.
Emma has been volunteering with the Good Shepherd since September 2023. She’s recently passed her NVQ Level 3 in Health and Social Care, this is her story:
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“When I was a teenager, I always drank alcohol because I was shy. But in my early 20s it started to be before every situation that I didn’t feel confident in. I would drink before going to college, attending an interview or after a stressful day at work.
Then a series of bad things happened in my life… a good friend of mine who I used to work with passed away. My cousin died in a house fire. I lost an ex-boyfriend of mine to an accident, another to drug addiction and another by suicide. I just couldn’t cope with it.
All I did was drink, sleep and take antidepressants. I remember from age 23 to age 29, I just lived on my own, feeling invisible. I only left the house to go to the doctors for my medication, go out with my drinking buddies and to do my shopping. I was just existing not living. I was also in abusive relationships. I felt like a burden to my family, and I wanted to end my life. I had attempted suicide twice by overdosing but miraculously I woke up.
When I was 29, I met my children’s father and things were better for a time but whenever anything happened that triggered emotions, I couldn’t deal it. If there was any sort of stress, I’d drink.
When I was 36, I split up with the father of my children, and I found myself spiralling into heavy drinking again. It was a learned habit of suppressing my emotions; my coping mechanism was to drink a lot. Which led to increased anxiety and panic attacks.
A couple years later, I found out that another one of my ex-boyfriends had committed suicide. It brought up a lot of unresolved grief from the past. I felt like I couldn’t deal with anything. I couldn’t talk to people, and I didn’t know where to go for help. No-one could understand why I was grieving, because he was an ex from my 20s and I was in a new relationship.
I was drinking and taking antidepressants, and then I went back to an ex who was an alcoholic. It was like attracting like, and I was plummeting even deeper down. It felt like there was no way out. I couldn’t explain it to anyone. They said I was putting myself in that situation. I was being selfish, when I have children. I just felt like I couldn’t speak to anyone at all.
Then I went to my friend’s place, and we got really drunk. I broke down, feeling like I couldn’t be in this world anymore. I told my friend that I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to be there for my children, but I couldn’t cope with the pain, dread, and hurt. I felt surrounded by death and horrible things.
She called my mom, and we went to the hospital. They were worried I was going to take my own life or attempt to, and I remember staying in the hospital overnight. In the morning, they told me someone from Penn Hospital would see me. But I just felt like I was being fobbed off and I was being a nuisance, so I just left the hospital and went home. I was worried about my children being taken off me because of my mental health and drinking, so I never pursued anything. I did go back to my GP, and I was referred for cognitive behavioural therapy.
In 2020, I had cognitive behavioural therapy. But due to my drinking and the previous relationships I’ve had, the therapist didn’t know where to start with me. They asked how we could break things down so I could process them more positively, but I just wanted to vent. At that time, I didn’t feel productive or constructive. It felt like I was opening up a can of worms, which left me feeling more agitated and depressed. And then I would end up drinking more.
When COVID-19 happened, being cut off from my drinking buddies helped me. I was involved in relationships that were quite abusive – not always physically but emotionally degrading. Being away from those environments allowed me to reassess my self-worth, what I want for myself and my children, and what I think is acceptable.
I began watching self-help videos and I kept coming across videos about faith. I’ve never really been one to have any faith. Then I bumped into my friend’s stepdad and he shared with me how he stopped drinking; he said pray Emma, just pray. I didn’t really understand about prayer but there’s something called a salvation prayer; you repent, and you invite Jesus into your heart for healing. The first time I said that prayer I had a supernatural experience that I can’t explain. I just didn’t even desire the alcohol anymore. Out of curiosity I tried drinking alcohol, but it felt like I didn’t belong in my body anymore. I was as if a weight had been lifted off my body, it was amazing, and I haven’t had a drink since 2022.
Not longer after that experience I felt like I wanted to volunteer somewhere that supported people dealing with depression, anxiety, or had experienced abuse. I wanted to share hope and let people know that their lives could change. When I heard about the Good Shepherd, I applied as a volunteer and then someone told me about the LEAP project. I remember speaking to Chris and it was the first time I attended an interview without drinking alcohol or taking Valium beforehand. The LEAP Project has been like counselling for me. It has been everything to see men being appropriate, safe, trusting, encouraging and supportive. There’s scripture that says with a mustard seed of faith you can move a mountain, now I feel like we have a mountain of faith to move a mustard seed.
Before I was surrounded by people who didn’t have my best interests at heart. Seeing this supportive environment was like a whole different world.
Volunteering here has boosted my confidence and shown me the help that is available. I love encouraging others, even if they’re not ready to give up something yet. They can still receive support.