Nicole, 19, is a volunteer in the Good Shepherd’s LEAP programme, where people with experience of homelessness, mental health, addiction or other issues are able to provide help and support to service users accessing the charity, whilst also pursuing their own training and employment opportunities.
She also takes part in the Good Shepherd’s weekly Art Group, which helps people on their recovery journey.
This is Nicole’s story:
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I learned about the Good Shepherd when I needed to complete work experience for my college. Julia, the Volunteer Co-ordinator at Good Shepherd, visited my college, and I became interested because I was struggling to apply elsewhere, such as the NHS, because it seemed too formal.
I wanted a place where I could genuinely interact with people. I applied and began working at the Good Shepherd and loved it. I remember my first day, I just had a sense of gratitude, because I just got to help people.
It wasn’t about me. It wasn’t about how I thought. It was just about getting to put a smile on someone’s face or helping them. It just feels like a safe place.
Everyone that is helping them or serving them is someone that’s been through something too and I just like that about the Good Shepherd. And for me, it’s just been seeing how different people are, you know, dealing with life and just being there to just share a joke or smile has just been really helpful for me.
Then they offered me the LEAP programme. I really love that because when you experience things in life, sometimes you can start to believe that because of those experiences, you will never amount to anything. Like this is as good as it gets, but the LEAP was basically saying that because you’ve experienced all this trauma, we’re giving you this opportunity.
It was just mind blowing because it was just everything I’ve always wanted to do, working with people, talking to people, because I would like to be a psychologist, but it just offered me all those opportunities.
And there was like someone saying that, because of your experiences, you’re qualified to help people that are going through what you’re going through. Because of your experiences, they’re not disqualifying you. They’re like qualifying you. That was like one of those requirements.
The Good Shepherd for me is just this beacon of second chances. And I just love how uplifting that is. And what I really like is that I’m surrounded by people with stories. So learning from them and hearing about their journey is really inspiring.
So now I’m here.
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I love people. I genuinely love talking to people because you find that, you know, people are not just what they seem. I love hearing about people, what makes them laugh and telling if people are not OK.
I love art. Art for me has just been my way of and expressing myself. It has helped me through a lot of tough times. I love art, I love poetry, I love reading, I love nature. I think I’m very close to being a tree hugger, but it’s OK. I think I just see the beauty and a lot of things like nature just makes me smile.
I grew up in Africa, Zimbabwe, and growing up there, it wasn’t bad. Like me and my family weren’t really like struggling, but I got exposed to a lot of domestic violence growing up and a lot of those things that I thought were normal.
Now that I’m getting older, I’m realising that this wasn’t normal. But because it’s what I was used to, it’s what I thought that families do. I got exposed to mostly emotional and physical abuse, but I feel like the emotional abuse that is like the one that stays with you longer because you can’t touch it.
So that got me really interested in the nature versus nurture. And then I got researching and I got to name all those things that I was struggling with, but I couldn’t really express because the environment I was in. I don’t know if you know, like the African environments, but mental problems aren’t really things that are discussed.
In my journey, I’ve realised that my dad was emotionally unavailable due to his own unresolved childhood issues. Despite being an adult, he was still that little boy who hadn’t grown up. These unaddressed problems stopped him from loving us and even himself. His inability to love affected our family and how he raised us.
My dad was the guy that could be like he could hit you for no reason just because it was Saturday, like in case you were thinking of doing something naughty. He was strict and he liked to bring us down and make us feel small.
He would always tell me that, no man will ever love you as you are. So already from a young child, I already had this mindset of I am never enough as I am.
I didn’t know who I was, so in friendships, I became whoever you wanted. In doing so, I lost my true self and ended up drawn to people like my father—mentally abusive, controlling, and struggling with their issues. I believed I deserved nothing, stayed in harmful relationships, and mistook attention for love.
My low self-worth led me to accept anything because I thought I was unlovable. I attracted men who mirrored my father’s behaviour. Despite kind people showing interest, I rejected them, because I thought I wasn’t worthy of good love.
I had a lovely mom who still is a lovely mom, but my mom had a nice childhood. I thought that I had to just show her the good sides of me, and I couldn’t show her the bad side of me.
I struggled a lot with depression, and I wasn’t sleeping. I didn’t know what exactly hurt, but it was just this constant pain, this constant, something is just broken. But at home, my mom didn’t really know much because I’d go home and just be used to putting on different faces. I also struggled with suicide. The only reason I didn’t was because of my mum.
I met a guy who would hit me, and I realised I’d become someone who gets abused. Despite being only 15, I stayed because I was blamed for the abuse – told it was my fault for not listening. This led to sexual abuse, making the relationship worse. I felt guilty, believing no one would want me again, so I stayed in proxy relationships without leaving. Relationships distracted me from the love I lacked at home.
But when I found out that I was pregnant, it was like a light switched and I remember the day telling myself that something has to change, that my child is not going to be raised in this environment. I think that’s when my healing journey started because I on my own did not believe I deserved anything good.
And we relocated here and the first two years I was here, I was at home because I wasn’t going to college. I had to take care of the baby, it was a lot.
In those two years, I learned to deal with my attachment issues. I was alone, not talking to anyone except family. It taught me to live without a boyfriend. So, it was just me choosing, I guess, to fight for my baby girl. And it’s been a journey since.
Some issues I thought I’d resolved still surface unexpectedly. Sometimes you feel healed, but then something triggers your past pain.
In my journey, I had to sit down and identify unhealthy behaviours, like constantly jumping from one relationship to another out of fear of being alone or being surrounded by people who are depressed. While there’s nothing wrong with depression, it’s harmful when everyone around you is suicidal, affecting your own mental health.
I did extensive research on mental health and found that many stories mirrored my own, helping me empathise more with others. It has changed the way I see people. If someone hurts me now my first question is, are you OK? It’s not why did you do this to me? Now I’m recognising that the way people act is not always about you, it might be just what they’re going through inside.
I started to struggle because my dad wasn’t in my life. My dad played a huge role in my life. After he was gone, I had trouble deciding on things, like what to wear when I first started college.
I’d put on so many faces that I didn’t know who I was. It may seem silly, but I had serious anxiety about what to wear, worrying how people would remember me based on my outfit. I struggled with figuring out what I liked. I even stopped drawing due to anxiety – concerned about whether people who didn’t even know me would like my work.
I’ve always struggled with voices, when I was depressed it was so bad that if my mum would say something good, I’d hear a voice saying “That’s not true”. My mum would say you’re beautiful and the voice just goes, you’re not.
I am learning that the way I love myself will influence how my daughter loves herself. It’s daunting because while she will face her own challenges, I am worried that my personal issues my impact on her. Therefore, self-love has been an important part of my journey because I never want my daughter to feel as I have felt. If I neglect my feelings, it could unintentionally affect my parenting.
I often struggle with comparing myself to others due to insecurity in my own identity. This journey involves discovering who I am and reconnecting with the things I have always cherished. Although I have always had a passion for people, my experiences led me to isolate myself emotionally and create barriers around my heart to avoid future hurt.
I needed a shrink because of what I had been through, because I got pregnant at 16. I got all this abuse. I thought that I didn’t have a voice. So it’s been me learning to find my voice again.
I have learned that even in friendships, being a mother is part of who I am, and I take pride in it. Sometimes, though, I wonder about what others might think or say because they are in different stages of their lives. I’ve been at home for two years and feel like I am already behind at college.
I’m not encouraging teenage pregnancies, but for my case, having a child has saved me. If I didn’t have my baby, I don’t know if I’d be here.
She has been such a light in my life. She has been helping even that little girl in me, that little girl that never felt safe at home seeing her just being herself because she loves everything. She loves nature. If you go outside, but she says “Hi bird, Hi sun”. She’s just happy.
I’m still learning to feel safe when someone gets close. I remind myself that I’m no longer that little girl and that not all guys will hurt me. It’s a journey of growth, understanding that what happened has shaped who I am today, and I’m proud of that. My experiences enable me to talk with almost anyone.
For so long l struggled with my identity, I never felt like l belonged in any room I walked into. It’s like l had this void inside of me that l tried to fill with distractions and attention, but it never went away until l found Jesus. All my life l was lost and in Jesus l found a home and it’s not a religion it’s a relationship. So, my story is about a broken girl and a good God that saved me.
I know I’m only 19, but I am grateful to share my story. I don’t think my story is a sad story. There are sad parts, but I think my story is a story of redemption. It’s a story of second chances. It’s a story of you’re never too far gone; you’re just never really too far gone.
My story might resonate with some and not others, but I feel it’s important to share because many people, regardless of age, struggle to identify and understand the cycle of abuse. This is for anyone who has ever felt out of place or unsafe. Trauma can be silent; it’s not just about what you experience, but also about what you didn’t have.
So, I’m learning that and I’m very thankful for this opportunity to just sit and share what I’ve been through. But mostly that it’s not the end. There’s so much more.
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When I was feeling really depressed, I turned to drawing. I filled my bedroom walls with different drawings, mostly sad ones, and I also made about 100 films. This creative outlet helped me cope because it allowed me to express my emotions instead of bottling them up.
My mum believed in my artistic talent, always encouraging me to pursue painting. When I started painting, I found it enjoyable, although I had mostly worked with charcoal and sketching before. Coming here and sharing my artwork with Julia, who saw potential in me, has boosted my confidence as an artist. She helped me join the art club with Kate, which has been great.
My art reflects my personal experiences and healing journey. I love photography and capturing the world through my lens. My artwork tells a story of how I’ve changed over time, drawing inspiration from old photos and poems. Through my art, I aim to convey my perspective on the world and connect with others who can relate.
This a poem I wrote as part of my healing journey – Lost but found.